Six Years Already...

Depression...

©Janie Michaud 2008

Thinking Out Loud

Things are brewing...

I am ready for a change

But so scared at the same time.

To some, moving away to another city,

another province,

even another country

takes no more time thinking about

than I, trying to choose a detergent at the supermarket.

Where do we draw the line

between an impulse decision

and wasting an opportunity?

The Storm

Something I thought of.

In the middle of an electrical storm.

The panorama was beautiful and inspiring.

Meaning...

Someone can be depressed and not realize it.

Being so focused on what has to be done

that we become oblivious to ourselves and our surroundings.

It is still a taboo subject in our society.

Many are misinformed or simply don't understand. :(

Om

I may be talking out of my *beep*

But who cares... I like the doodle. :P

Breathe...

Hypergraphia

Oh yeah, it's an actual medical term!

It can be explained as followed:

The driving compulsion and overwhelming urge to write/create.

The opposite of writer's block.

Described as a temporal lobe epilepsy.

Also known as the midnight disease.

From what I have read and can understand,

many artists in history were affected by it

and it's opposite effect:

hypographia, aka the writer's block.

Sylvia Plath. Stephen King. Vincent Van Gogh.

Byron. Dante. Molière. Edgar Allen Poe.

People filling page after page of writing, doodling, music.

Unable to slow down their minds.

Not wanting to forget a thing.

Is it a gift or a curse?

To a perfectionist like me,

it could feel like a curse.

The feeling of writing nothing but nonsense.

Thinking it's worthless.

...

Ok, maybe I don't have Hypergraphia

But I'm still addicted to notebooks!

I can't leave home without one.

There's one my bedside table,

One on my desk...

Dozens of pens... EVERYWHERE!

>_<;

Then again, it's better to be inspired...

than to be left empty.

Soundtrack Of My Life Pt. 1

As I've mentioned before,

there are songs that are now part of "The soundtrack of my life",

Songs that have touched me and expressed feelings I had inside.

To me, John Mayer is a true artist.

He knows how to capture moments

and express emotions with such ease

And people relate to his songs in so many ways!

IN REPAIR - John Mayer

Too many shadows in my room

Too many hours in this midnight

Too many corners in my mind

So much to do to set my heart right

Oh it's taking so long

I could be wrong

I could be ready

But if you take my heart's advice

I should assume, it's still unsteady

I am in repair, I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while

To wait for the wind to blow down on me

Hoping it takes with it my old ways

And brings some brand new look upon me

And now I'm walking in a park

All of the birds they dance below me

Maybe when things turn green again

It will be good to say you know me

I weep for the world...

I keep telling myself that every life,

Each story just HAS TO have a happy ending,

That everything will turn out alright...

Then all I can think about are the sad endings

War, famine, natural disasters that take the lives of millions

Unsolved tragedies...

I've been depressed for the past three years

Yet I am blown away by how tiny & insignificant my situation is.

Then comes guilt, self depreciation

Wanting to do something good for the world,

Leave a mark...

My grief has gone global.

It's not just about me anymore...

I weep for the world

The entire human race

Our planet, slowly dying

The world leaders won't budge to help

The little guys are still doing all the work.

Now here's a sign of hope...

No matter how tiny or insignificant you feel

You can still make a difference.

In one person's life

Or the entire world.

Torn

About a month ago, I spent a week in Quebec city

and have never felt more at home... away from home!

This city has everything I've ever dreamed of.

The atmosphere, the people, the old charm

The brick streets, the art galleries and lovely cafes around every corner

People are friendly, people are happy!

Proud of our history and culture

Working hard to preserve it, cherishing it.

For the first time in weeks I was inspired.

Now I find myself back here...

Running circles again.

Uninspired.

Wanting to go back.

But scared to leave what I have worked so hard for behind

Not wanting to leave the little family I have left.

I am torn... once again.

GO GO GO!

Why do you think there are so many energy drinks around these days?

People are tired. Drained.

Trying to cope and achieve a healthy balance between work, family, chores...

Activities & sleep are always last on the list.

It's always GO, GO, GO!

I cannot survive in that world anymore.

I tried again & again.

It can't be done anymore.

Health care problems were never such an issue.

The amount of prescribed drugs each year is phenomenal!

Insurance companies can't wait to get people back on their feet.

But I think it will only get worse before it gets better.

The world needs a break.

People are stressed, infertile, depressed!

Barely surviving!

I met so many people who are not even 30 yet,

Who have suffered burnout or depression.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL!

People are always pushed to achieve more

With less time and resources.

Is there hope?

Not so good day...

I know I'm a bum...

I rarely post on any of my blogs.

It's just that I'm trying and working so hard on getting a normal life back!

It may seem trivial to any other person,

but each and every day for me is a triumph in itself.

...

Is it normal that it still sometimes takes all my will and energy just to get out of bed?

I don't feel like painting.

I can't get myself to read a book.

Nothing motivates me at the moment and I just keep getting angrier at myself.

All I can think is:

"How can you allow yourself to be so lazy?

What would you do if you were working right now?

Don't you think it's time you started again?"

And I find myself disappointed again...

Frustrated and discouraged.

It's a daily struggle.

Breathe... a title.

Why 'Breathe'?

Well first, under stress

or if you have lived your whole life with asthma like I,

you have to focus on your breathing.

It is the source of life.

Whatever lives, breathes.

I have also recently taken an interest in yoga

and breathing is the base for a successful session.

To me, the word also inspires SIMPLICITY.

When I design something, less is more.

A good BALANCE between light and dark.

The opposite of suffocate: BREATHE.

When Drew Barrymore enters the ball at the end of the movie "Ever After", she is just petrified! What does she tell herself? Just breathe.

Ever heard the song "Breathe" by Telepopmusik?

The lyrics are so simple...

Another day, just believe.

Just breathe. just believe. 

Just breathe.

Lying in my bed,

Another day, staring at the ceiling.

What about "Breathe Me" by Sia.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

For the people who know me, those songs have become 'me'.

They are now part of the SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE.

Because as you may already know, music, movies and art have help me define myself.

To be continued...

Upcoming posts?

The soundtrack of my life. Songs that have inspired me and kept me going...

Cinetherapy. Movies that have touched me.

I'm loving angels instead...

Some PEOPLE are meant

to be in your life forever.

Others are just

ANGELS passing through...

:)

Breathe... an idea

I sometimes feel like I have a story to tell...

but I’m no story teller.

I create!

When I can...

It comes and goes.

Like depression.

It’s not the first time that’s happened to me.

But it’s the first time I know what it is, what it feels like,

how it empties you, dries you out.

It only leaves behind an empty shell of yourself

that you have to work hard to refill.

This time I realised I couldn’t do it alone...

************************************************************

There it is, the first page of my memoir...

"Breathe: a journal about my depression".

It's a work in progress...

My main language is French, so why am I doing this in English?

My therapist only speaks English. I have therefore, come to manage, study and express my emotions in English.

I am first and foremost, doing this for myself.

If this should ever see the light of day, in the form of a book, I hope it brings hope to people who read it.