Not Cured

From the look of my blog, it seems like I may have fallen from the planet... but I am still here.
Breathing and trying to manage it all.

Life that is. With all its twists and turns.
This means I can see light at the end of the tunnel but I am not out. Not yet.

My inspiration to create is often overshadowed

by self-doubt and anxiety.
And in turn my physical health suffers as well. I am tired and aching.
Constantly bombarded with questions by my healthcare system,

afraid I might be cheating them.
My depression is in remission, that's a good sign.

But I am not "cured". Not yet.
Then again life can't be "cured", just managed.

I still have problems getting up in the morning.
I still get anxious when I step out of my home.
I can't even concentrate on a good book.
I used to be able to multitask

but now I have problems with ADD....
I used to be able to spend countless hours on a painting
but now I just want to get it over with...
Chores and bills are daunting and never-ending.
Appointments are repetitive but necessary.
Medication is now part of my routine.
Inspirational bouts are what I am living for.

Yeah, I can manage.
But I'm not cured.

Peace Returned

I'd been having a rough day...

so I decided to go for a drive.

Something led me to the cemetery.

I miss my dad...

my grandparents.

I keep telling myself

that they aren't there.

They're everywhere...

It somehow helps.

The most peaceful place on earth.

I cried. I even smiled...

was someone there to hear me?

Console me?

Maybe...

Peace returned.

<3

In Vain

So many thoughts flashing through my head

So many dreams passing through my mind

A heart bursting with desires

Or broken to millions of pieces

Unable to fulfill its destiny

Leaving me alone and unwanted

Chasing love in all the wrong places

Or burning my candle at both ends

If only you knew

If only you did

Then all this will not have been in vain...

Breathe... a preview!

I have finally gathered up the courage

(along with my therapist's encouragements)

to send a preview of my book/journal to a publisher!

Now here's my dilemma...

it's not a regular book,

it's not a comic book,

it's me on paper,

CHAOS and all!

Usually publishers go for one or the other...

But I am hopeful and positive

that there's a public out there for it.

Here's the first (PDF) preview... :)

Still Breathing

A hundred and thirty-five pages into my book...

I am not entirely done but my therapist has encouraged me to prepare something to be sent to a publisher soon.

Perhaps learning about rejection and the way I might react is what he is curious about... then again, so am I.

Accepting criticism of my work, not as a personal attack but constructive opinion. This is what I have to keep in mind, I know.

But so much of myself has gone into this journal... I might not help but take it a bit personally.

But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Stevie Ray Vaughan

Another inspiration, another idol who passed away before his time.

I can listen to his music for hours! Stevie Ray Vaughan. 1954-1990.

More paintings...

If you asked me what I felt like
at this particular moment,
I wouldn't know what to say.
But a few things I can tell you
is that music INSPIRES me.
Movies open my horizons.
People fascinate me.
Art is my HAVEN.
I haven't found the love of my LIFE yet,
but I have known LOVE. In all its forms.
I have known loss, despair...
but I am still HERE.
I haven't given up.
I believe in LIFE.
I believe in ME.
I believe in HAPPINESS.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.

{PEACE}

-Janie

+ more in my DeviantArt gallery... :)