B R E A T H E

Creative Process

2010-04-28T09:06:00.000-07:00

~ . + . ~

The CREATIVE process

is one of SURRENDER,

NOT control.

~ . + . ~

I have printed a 6th version of my journal

Never satisfied with the result, I keep tweaking

every page, drawing and adding notes.

The content so far goes a little like this:

TABLE OF CONTENTS.

PREFACE

ABOUT...

ii.

iii.

iv.

chapter one. APOCALYPSE

NUMB

SHOCK

STARING INTO EMPTINESS

THE FUNERAL

chapter two. PERIOD OF UTTER AND TOTAL DENIAL

TWO YEARS LATER

SURVIVING

SPREADING MY WINGS

chapter three. IT BEGINS

LET IT OUT

LATER THAT NIGHT

MISS GOODIE-TWO-SHOES

*SIGH*

IT’S JUST TIME

ALL I WANT IS MY DAD BACK

WHEN I WAS 15...

SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME

GRAND-MAMAN

I DON’T TALK

COMES THERAPY

HEARTACHE

FAMIILY TO THE RESCUE... AGAIN!

I KNOW, I KNOW!

THE REST OF THAT SUMMER

chapter four. WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

SUFFERING DEPRESSION

I’M STUCK

I FEEL...

>_<;

ALONE

“HAPPY” PILLS

IT’S “JUST” ANXIETY

NEVERMORE

SINKING

RESURFACING

POURING MY HEART OUT

VIDEO TRANSCRIPTIONS

chapter five. RELATIONSHIPS & INFATUATIONS

A GOOD DAY

MEET CUTE

SICKENING VISUAL POETRY

LIVE. LOVE. LEARN.

COMES LOVE

NOTHING CAN BE DONE

BACK HOME

chapter six. THOUGHTS & MUSINGS

FEAR

LEARNING TO LET GO

VENTING

DAMN DREAMS

AHH TATTOOS...

chapter seven. SELF-QUESTIONING

ONE CHANCE

SELF-QUESTIONNING

PROUST

Not Cured

2010-03-31T11:09:00.000-07:00

From the look of my blog, it seems like I may have fallen from the planet... but I am still here.
Breathing and trying to manage it all.

Life that is. With all its twists and turns.
This means I can see light at the end of the tunnel but I am not out. Not yet.

My inspiration to create is often overshadowed

by self-doubt and anxiety.
And in turn my physical health suffers as well. I am tired and aching.
Constantly bombarded with questions by my healthcare system,

afraid I might be cheating them.
My depression is in remission, that's a good sign.

But I am not "cured". Not yet.
Then again life can't be "cured", just managed.

I still have problems getting up in the morning.
I still get anxious when I step out of my home.
I can't even concentrate on a good book.
I used to be able to multitask

but now I have problems with ADD....
I used to be able to spend countless hours on a painting
but now I just want to get it over with...
Chores and bills are daunting and never-ending.
Appointments are repetitive but necessary.
Medication is now part of my routine.
Inspirational bouts are what I am living for.

Yeah, I can manage.
But I'm not cured.

Peace Returned

2009-08-10T14:20:00.000-07:00

I'd been having a rough day...

so I decided to go for a drive.

Something led me to the cemetery.

I miss my dad...

my grandparents.

I keep telling myself

that they aren't there.

They're everywhere...

It somehow helps.

The most peaceful place on earth.

I cried. I even smiled...

was someone there to hear me?

Console me?

Maybe...

Peace returned.

In Vain

2009-07-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

So many thoughts flashing through my head

So many dreams passing through my mind

A heart bursting with desires

Or broken to millions of pieces

Unable to fulfill its destiny

Leaving me alone and unwanted

Chasing love in all the wrong places

Or burning my candle at both ends

If only you knew

If only you did

Then all this will not have been in vain...

Breathe... a preview!

2009-07-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

I have finally gathered up the courage

(along with my therapist's encouragements)

to send a preview of my book/journal to a publisher!

Now here's my dilemma...

it's not a regular book,

it's not a comic book,

it's me on paper,

CHAOS and all!

Usually publishers go for one or the other...

But I am hopeful and positive

that there's a public out there for it.

Here's the first (PDF) preview... :)

Still Breathing

2009-05-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

A hundred and thirty-five pages into my book...

I am not entirely done but my therapist has encouraged me to prepare something to be sent to a publisher soon.

Perhaps learning about rejection and the way I might react is what he is curious about... then again, so am I.

Accepting criticism of my work, not as a personal attack but constructive opinion. This is what I have to keep in mind, I know.

But so much of myself has gone into this journal... I might not help but take it a bit personally.

But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Stevie Ray Vaughan

2009-03-30T20:11:00.000-07:00

Another inspiration, another idol who passed away before his time.

I can listen to his music for hours! Stevie Ray Vaughan. 1954-1990.

More paintings...

2009-03-22T12:07:00.000-07:00

If you asked me what I felt like
at this particular moment,
I wouldn't know what to say.
But a few things I can tell you
is that music INSPIRES me.
Movies open my horizons.
People fascinate me.
Art is my HAVEN.
I haven't found the love of my LIFE yet,
but I have known LOVE. In all its forms.
I have known loss, despair...
but I am still HERE.
I haven't given up.
I believe in LIFE.
I believe in ME.
I believe in HAPPINESS.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.

{PEACE}

-Janie

+ more in my DeviantArt gallery... :)

Happy List

2009-02-18T21:24:00.000-08:00

Movies about Depression

2009-02-08T20:49:00.000-08:00

Here is a list of movies I have found to be related to depression and its connect symptoms...

Some I've watched (many times), some I haven't...

Girl, Interrupted
Prozac Nation
Reign Over Me
28 Days
Walk the Line
Basketball Diaries
The Hours
American Beauty
Six Feet Under (TV)
Sideways
American Splendor
Punch-Drunk Love
Seven Pounds
About a Boy
Je vais bien, ne t'en fais pas
Van Gogh
Chaos Theory
Stay
Crazy/Beautiful
Sweet November
Hope Floats
Thirteen
Borderline
Donnie Darko
Secretary
Crash
Running With Scissors
99 Francs
Gia

... and some books...

12 mois sans intérêt
Prozac Nation
Bell Jar
Cut
Running With Scissors
Lucky
A Million Little Pieces
Girl, Interrupted
Dry: A Memoir
Smashed
Eat Pray Love
The Heroin Diaries

I will add more as the ideas come!

Publicity Ranting

2009-01-31T20:17:00.001-08:00

I'm really bummed out about the way celebrities,

who used to be so down-to-earth people,

become such egomaniacs these days...

Trapped in the whirlwind of fandom, press, temptation

and the promise of more money if they go along with it.

John Mayer is the latest victim.

This amazing musician/singer/songwriter bursted out

on the music scene in 2003 when he won his first Grammy.

He took a step back from the mainstream scene

to play with Blues legends

like BB King, Buddy Guy, Eric Clapton to name a few.

The John Mayer Trio was also a success

and an influence for his latest album Continuum.

After dating the recently-dumped Jessica S.

He signed a pact with the devil.

Why not a good girl... an understated beauty.

No, straight for the blond bimbo! *sorry*

Then, the nice Jennifer A.!

The girl he should've dated in the first place...

No! He decides to date her when she's in the

Pitt/Jolie/Aniston press scandal!

Good timing John... No, really! *clap clap*

Now your face is splattered all over the tabloids,

linking back to the first babes you dated,

for their mere good looks and your credibility

as a musician will undoubtedly suffer.

I for a fact, feel weird saying I'm a Mayer fan these days...

"Really? That player? Wasn't he dating Jessica...?"

"Well, I was a fan before.... ah, nevermind!"

Michael Bublé, another victim.

I truly admire the man!

His rise to stardom, his charm, his choice of music!

He's a good guy, a Canadian dude who loves

his hockey cold and his girls hot.

His ex, the lovely Emily B. once referred to him

as being a 'fart in a bottle'!

It doesn't get funnier than that!

You'd know if you've ever been to one of his shows!

He's not just a singer, he's a full-blown entertainer!

Like in the good ol' days!

(When most of us didn't have the advantage of being born)

My perception of the music business is:

You want to achieve stardom?

You gotta do what we tell you, when we tell you.

Singing the same songs, over and over again, every night,

to people you don't even know but who adore you.

And you gotta do that until they tire of hearing

those songs so you can go back to the studio

to record new songs and start the whole

press/touring thing all over again!

Just writing about it is tiring!

Imagine doing that since 2003!!

Bublé is pooped! He's tired!

He's needs rest and time with his close ones!

A string of Hollywood beauties,

what is there for a poor boy on the rise

to stardom to do?

They're not the only ones... The girls are worse!

Paris, Britney, Nicole, and all the other starlets...

This has led me to think...

A down-to-earth program.

Keep rising stars' feet on the ground.

Sort of pep talks to deflate the head.

Then again, it's not their fault really, it's ours!

By reading that sh*t in the tabloids we are feeding

the press monsters who haunt our favorite stars!!

Something to think about...

Doodling...

2009-01-19T21:57:00.000-08:00

I have mentioned this before,

how a cubicle is like to me.

This sums it up pretty well.

Six Years Already...

2008-12-19T16:59:00.000-08:00

Depression...

2008-10-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

©Janie Michaud 2008

Thinking Out Loud

2008-10-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

Things are brewing...

I am ready for a change

But so scared at the same time.

To some, moving away to another city,

another province,

even another country

takes no more time thinking about

than I, trying to choose a detergent at the supermarket.

Where do we draw the line

between an impulse decision

and wasting an opportunity?

The Storm

2008-10-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

Something I thought of.

In the middle of an electrical storm.

The panorama was beautiful and inspiring.

Meaning...

Someone can be depressed and not realize it.

Being so focused on what has to be done

that we become oblivious to ourselves and our surroundings.

It is still a taboo subject in our society.

Many are misinformed or simply don't understand. :(

Om

2008-10-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

I may be talking out of my *beep*

But who cares... I like the doodle. :P

Breathe...

2008-10-16T18:44:00.000-07:00

Hypergraphia

2008-09-12T20:03:00.001-07:00

Oh yeah, it's an actual medical term!

It can be explained as followed:

The driving compulsion and overwhelming urge to write/create.
The opposite of writer's block.
Described as a temporal lobe epilepsy.
Also known as the midnight disease.

From what I have read and can understand,

many artists in history were affected by it

and it's opposite effect:

hypographia, aka the writer's block.

Sylvia Plath. Stephen King. Vincent Van Gogh.

Byron. Dante. Molière. Edgar Allen Poe.

People filling page after page of writing, doodling, music.

Unable to slow down their minds.

Not wanting to forget a thing.

Is it a gift or a curse?

To a perfectionist like me,

it could feel like a curse.

The feeling of writing nothing but nonsense.

Thinking it's worthless.

...

Ok, maybe I don't have Hypergraphia

But I'm still addicted to notebooks!

I can't leave home without one.

There's one my bedside table,

One on my desk...

Dozens of pens... EVERYWHERE!

>_<;

Then again, it's better to be inspired...

than to be left empty.

Soundtrack Of My Life Pt. 1

2008-08-06T18:46:00.001-07:00

As I've mentioned before,

there are songs that are now part of "The soundtrack of my life",

Songs that have touched me and expressed feelings I had inside.

To me, John Mayer is a true artist.

He knows how to capture moments

and express emotions with such ease

And people relate to his songs in so many ways!

IN REPAIR - John Mayer

Too many shadows in my room

Too many hours in this midnight

Too many corners in my mind

So much to do to set my heart right

Oh it's taking so long

I could be wrong

I could be ready

But if you take my heart's advice

I should assume, it's still unsteady

I am in repair, I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while

To wait for the wind to blow down on me

Hoping it takes with it my old ways

And brings some brand new look upon me

And now I'm walking in a park

All of the birds they dance below me

Maybe when things turn green again

It will be good to say you know me

I weep for the world...

2008-08-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

I keep telling myself that every life,

Each story just HAS TO have a happy ending,

That everything will turn out alright...

Then all I can think about are the sad endings

War, famine, natural disasters that take the lives of millions

Unsolved tragedies...

I've been depressed for the past three years

Yet I am blown away by how tiny & insignificant my situation is.

Then comes guilt, self depreciation

Wanting to do something good for the world,

Leave a mark...

My grief has gone global.

It's not just about me anymore...

I weep for the world

The entire human race

Our planet, slowly dying

The world leaders won't budge to help

The little guys are still doing all the work.

Now here's a sign of hope...

No matter how tiny or insignificant you feel

You can still make a difference.

In one person's life

Or the entire world.

Torn

2008-07-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, I spent a week in Quebec city

and have never felt more at home... away from home!

This city has everything I've ever dreamed of.

The atmosphere, the people, the old charm

The brick streets, the art galleries and lovely cafes around every corner

People are friendly, people are happy!

Proud of our history and culture

Working hard to preserve it, cherishing it.

For the first time in weeks I was inspired.

Now I find myself back here...

Running circles again.

Uninspired.

Wanting to go back.

But scared to leave what I have worked so hard for behind

Not wanting to leave the little family I have left.

I am torn... once again.

GO GO GO!

2008-06-26T23:20:00.000-07:00

Why do you think there are so many energy drinks around these days?

People are tired. Drained.

Trying to cope and achieve a healthy balance between work, family, chores...

Activities & sleep are always last on the list.

It's always GO, GO, GO!

I cannot survive in that world anymore.

I tried again & again.

It can't be done anymore.

Health care problems were never such an issue.

The amount of prescribed drugs each year is phenomenal!

Insurance companies can't wait to get people back on their feet.

But I think it will only get worse before it gets better.

The world needs a break.

People are stressed, infertile, depressed!

Barely surviving!

I met so many people who are not even 30 yet,

Who have suffered burnout or depression.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL!

People are always pushed to achieve more

With less time and resources.

Is there hope?

Not so good day...

2008-05-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a bum...

I rarely post on any of my blogs.

It's just that I'm trying and working so hard on getting a normal life back!

It may seem trivial to any other person,

but each and every day for me is a triumph in itself.

...

Is it normal that it still sometimes takes all my will and energy just to get out of bed?

I don't feel like painting.

I can't get myself to read a book.

Nothing motivates me at the moment and I just keep getting angrier at myself.

All I can think is:

"How can you allow yourself to be so lazy?

What would you do if you were working right now?

Don't you think it's time you started again?"

And I find myself disappointed again...

Frustrated and discouraged.

It's a daily struggle.

Breathe... a title.

2008-04-26T11:48:00.001-07:00

Why 'Breathe'?

Well first, under stress

or if you have lived your whole life with asthma like I,

you have to focus on your breathing.

It is the source of life.

Whatever lives, breathes.

I have also recently taken an interest in yoga

and breathing is the base for a successful session.

To me, the word also inspires SIMPLICITY.

When I design something, less is more.

A good BALANCE between light and dark.

The opposite of suffocate: BREATHE.

When Drew Barrymore enters the ball at the end of the movie "Ever After", she is just petrified! What does she tell herself? Just breathe.

Ever heard the song "Breathe" by Telepopmusik?

The lyrics are so simple...

Another day, just believe.
Just breathe. just believe.
Just breathe.
Lying in my bed,
Another day, staring at the ceiling.

What about "Breathe Me" by Sia.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

For the people who know me, those songs have become 'me'.

They are now part of the SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE.

Because as you may already know, music, movies and art have help me define myself.

To be continued...

Upcoming posts?

The soundtrack of my life. Songs that have inspired me and kept me going...

Cinetherapy. Movies that have touched me.

I'm loving angels instead...

2008-04-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

Some PEOPLE are meant

to be in your life forever.

Others are just

ANGELS passing through...

Breathe... an idea

2008-03-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

I sometimes feel like I have a story to tell...

but I’m no story teller.

I create!

When I can...

It comes and goes.

Like depression.

It’s not the first time that’s happened to me.

But it’s the first time I know what it is, what it feels like,

how it empties you, dries you out.

It only leaves behind an empty shell of yourself

that you have to work hard to refill.

This time I realised I couldn’t do it alone...

************************************************************

There it is, the first page of my memoir...

"Breathe: a journal about my depression".

It's a work in progress...

My main language is French, so why am I doing this in English?

My therapist only speaks English. I have therefore, come to manage, study and express my emotions in English.

I am first and foremost, doing this for myself.

If this should ever see the light of day, in the form of a book, I hope it brings hope to people who read it.